Lent Retrospective

The grand experiment is over. Giving up fear for Lent is done. Now I can go back to being a sniveling coward. 

I figured that I should wrap up the experience by evaluating it, like a postmortem on a sports season that recently ended. For the most part, I succeeded in posting. I ended up with 36 posts over the course of 44 days. There were a few days missed, mostly due to illness and water damage. But those generated their own posts! Self-generating content. I wrote 100,000+ words across those posts. 

As far as the purpose of the protect goes, I would have to say there was success as well. I was trying to get to the point where I wasn’t afraid to post. There were several elements to this, which I guess were met with varying levels of success. I needed to be able to post for myself, even if nobody else cared. I think I did that. I found myself stressing when a couple of posts weren’t read much (if at all), until I reminded myself of why I was doing this. So even if the post wasn’t great, I still did it. 

But any writer wants people to read their stuff. So I did take note of which posts were the most read and responded to. Growing up in the religious world, I always faced some backlash when trying to create something without “eternal value.” I couldn’t just write something for the fun of writing it or having someone enjoy reading it; there had to be deeper meaning. This still lingers in everything I create. That’s one reason I put up fiction pieces on Saturdays, just so that I was learning how to include that type of writing as well. However, I know that I am not designed to only write stories about assassins. Ultimately, there will be some level of depth and meaning to much of what I create. Even if I was trying to escape that destiny, these past six weeks showed me why I can’t. This entire process was for me, so I could work through my own stuff. But the stuff I’m working through is shared by a lot of people. That’s what I found multiple times during the course of these entries. Having something I write resonate with people is one of the best feelings in the world. I received multiple messages from people saying they knew what I was talking about or that they have never heard the concept spoken of before. You know how amazing it is to feel seen? When you thought you were the only one fighting with something, only to realize that others are in the midst of that battle too?

Did I defeat my fear? Ha! No. I still gave in to it a few times, but I didn’t let it derail me. Instead, I allowed the pause that normally would have stopped me to refocus me. One example (well, three examples) is the posts about my mom, dad, and brother. Originally, I wanted to write them a letter. I started doing that, but it just came across … mean? Whiny? It got really dark really fast. It may have been accurately depicting what I was feeling, but it was too much for this outlet. That was a case where fear ended up being a good thing. I thought about stopping the post, but instead I made it into something better. There was one post that I did walk away from because I wasn’t ready to put it out there. I hinted at elements from it, but the post itself was more than I could comfortably release. It may end up out there at some point, if I’m sufficiently antagonized and wanting to start something. 

So where do I go from here? Not sure. There is a certain freedom in writing things that nobody will read, or that I don’t care if anyone reads. I can feel the anxiety sneaking up already thinking about posting after this endeavor. Why? Because then I feel like there is something that I need to say, something I feel strongly enough about to post. Now there is a rejection factor at play. When I was doing the Lent posts, I just posted things. If only one person read my USC Game Diary, who cares? I probably wouldn’t read it either. But if I post something on April 23 because I feel like my take on something is important … if nobody reads it then I feel all bummed out. That’s where the Imposter Syndrome takes over. But I need to get over that crap. Seriously. I have some good things I want to create. I’m not saying that what I want to make is soooooo important or that it is the best thing ever. But lots of people put out lots of stuff just because they want to. This is where the subtle art of not giving a hoot should come in.

I’m not sure if this happens to anyone else. When I think about posting something that I’m nervous about (which is most stuff), there are certain people who pop into my mind. That negative self-talk has a face! These people are ones who had a major impact in my life, but necessarily a completely positive impact. They are people who did influence me. They are people who I respected, but people who hurt me. They aren’t people who were “villains” in my story, though. For those people, I generally don’t care what they would think. They did a whole lot of damage, but they also lost any right to speak to me about squat. No, the people who pop into my mind to squelch my efforts are ones who aren’t so easy to pin down. I think that they generally like me, but they think they know more than me. They feel like they are responsible for giving me guidance and advice. And if that guidance and advice happens to feel like it is delivered by a baseball bat, so be it. So their specters still give me this advice, in many cases years after I ever talked to them. What I’m hoping to take away from this whole project is that not a single one of those people probably even looked at what I was doing over the last six weeks. None of them said anything. None of them (probably) read anything. And they probably won’t in the future either. So why am I letting them still control what I do? This is a question my therapist asked me like four months ago. I didn’t have a good answer for it then, and I don’t have a great answer for it now. They shouldn’t have that strong of an influence. I just need to keep telling myself that, reminding myself that they are non-entities in my life at this point. 

As far as the religious component of all of this goes, it was great. If you remember, what started this whole thing was my thinking about Lent. I can say that the last six weeks have seen the best church experiences we have had in a very long time. The sermon series was thought-provoking and excellent. The church had a series of concerts held at different members’ houses - well front yards. We made it to a couple of those and had a blast. Palm Sunday and Easter Sunday were very well done services. We didn’t go to Good Friday service, and I kind of wish we had. I will make a point to go next year. The church had two services on Easter. We went to one and then helped in nursery for the other. We really are thankful for our church. I’m not a recuperating Christian who has no desire to be in church. I missed it. I love being involved in church, making friends there, supporting staff members. I’m healthier when I’m in a church. I have felt my entire person thriving since we found this place. I think Lent itself was interesting. It provides an opportunity to pause life and think about questions like how and why - things that we don’t usually take the time to think about. I appreciated the opportunity and am glad I took the steps I did. 

So it was a nice experience. Thank you for joining me on the journey. I hope that you enjoyed the posts - had a few laughs, shed a few tears. I really want to keep posting here and there. If too much time goes by and you haven’t heard from me, don’t be ashamed to reach out and yell at me. It probably means I’m stuck inside my head. See y’all soon.