Lent Day 18: Forgiveness Part 3

So far, most of the forgiveness discussions have been focused on getting to the point where we can forgive others. Today, the discussion shifted to when we need to seek forgiveness ourselves. Well, part of the discussion. We had the sermon today in church, but also went to a Bible study this past week as well. So the discussion expanded to the concept of going to others - both to seek and offer forgiveness. I’ve wrestled mightily with all of this. And now you get to experience all of this with me. Yay! 

So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.  Matthew 5:23-24

So the stage is set with this passage. Two discussions spun from it, but with completely different scenarios. One of them was a positive urging; the other was a potentially dangerous one.  The first was about seeking forgiveness when we hurt someone. Going to someone when you hurt them is very difficult. It puts you in a vulnerable position. We would love to believe that the person we go to would be magnanimous and merciful. But they aren’t always like that. But that’s the chance you take when you are asking forgiveness. You are putting yourself out there, humbling yourself. The person you are talking to doesn’t have to respond well; that is their right. You can’t demand that the person does what you want. That’s actually one of the things that people often get wrong with asking forgiveness. “I said I was sorry, so drop it.” I’ve done that before. I felt bad, and I wanted that awkwardness to stop. But just apologizing doesn’t restore trust, doesn’t erase the bad things that happened. We can want things to go back to normal, but it may take a while for that to happen. There is no guarantee that you can fix the problem; you just have to try. That’s kind of the point, I guess. If we really are sorry, we should desire to repair that relationship even if we don’t get that to happen. We should be willing to risk it with no assurance that things will get better. 

This isn’t an easy ask. I have gone back to people before to ask for forgiveness for things that I did when I was a young stupid little shit. It’s been a mixed bag. In some of the situations, the people were gracious and quick to forgive. I’ve had several times where they told me there was nothing to be sorry about, that they didn’t take my actions as something hurtful. (I figured most of them had just forgotten how big of a jackass I was. ) But I’ve been burned before when I went to someone - where the person took the opportunity to tee off on me. Or lecture me, as if I didn’t already feel bad enough. I’ve struggled with how I should handle some things also. I was very young when I first started working at a church. I really how no business being put in charge of people at 22 or 24 years old. I still had so many issues (still do). I had learned … virtually nothing. I often just was repeating things I had been taught. I had not gotten to the place where I had begun questioning the validity of those lessons. I definitely said and taught things that I cringe about today. I cannot even imagine the damage I caused with my words. Do I need to go back to all of those former students and apologize? I have thought about it, but would that be beneficial? I honestly don’t know; that’s something I’m still trying to figure out. 

The other discussion, though, was different. Somebody brought up that forgiveness required confrontation. We have to confront ourselves, confront God, and then confront the person we need to forgive. The person used the same passage to justify that position. First of all, that isn’t what the passage says. We are told to go to someone to ASK for forgiveness. It isn’t the responsibility of the wronged person to restore the relationships; that responsibility falls on the person who broke things. Second, it is potentially a dangerous thing to tell someone they have to confront the person who hurt them. I know that I’m especially sensitive about this topic. But … There were many times when I was younger when I was told that I had to forgive no matter what. I had to allow that person back into my life without there being any restitution. All that does, though, is communicate to the person who is harming you that they can continue doing that. What happens if we are talking about an abusive or unsafe situation? What if going back to that person actually puts you at risk? This has been one of the dangerous lessons the church has been guilty of teaching over the years. I grew up in an abusive home. When the talk turned to leaving that situation, we were told we needed to stay. People would use this passage: Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not just seven times, but seventy-seven times! Matthew 18:21-22 I think a case could be made that this is one of the the most dangerous passages in all of Scripture - just because of how it is taught. Countless women were counseled by their pastors to go back into a dangerous home, to forgive, to allow the cycle of abuse to continue. Or to have that cycle ended with the woman being killed. 

I refuse to believe that this passage means that we just have to write off things that happen to us and put ourselves back into harm’s way. If you look at how long it takes people to be willing to apologize - if they ever do - how do you think it will go over if I go strolling up to someone who wronged me and say “I forgive you.”  What could possibly go wrong with this plan? For what? You FORGIVE me? Oh, how big of you. You are sooooo amazing… forgiving me. I mean, I’m a little piece of crap. I can’t even bring myself to apologize, so you have to come forgive me first. See how well this is going over? I acknowledge that discovering the ability to forgive is crucial for moving on from your past. That’s what this entire month has been about at church. BUT there needs to be some thought given as to how that is communicated to someone. We all have seen and heard of touching stories where someone who was grievously hurt by someone else talks to that second person and forgives them. I know that there is a much-repeated story of Clara Barton (or some other person if the speaker doesn’t remember the facts right) where she “distinctly remembers forgetting” a wrongdoing. And I’ve seen numerous other stories over the years like this - people who had truly awful things happen to them who are willing to forgive. These touching stories usually happen in a courtroom or a hospital or a police station. There is a safety structure in place. That doesn’t always exist. It is possible to forgive in your heart and move on even without talking to that other person. I have people in my history who hurt me deeply. I have NO plans to drive to them and make a show of forgiving them. Why not? Because they probably don’t even think that they did anything to me. So I would have to track the person down, get time with them, remind them who I am, dig the whole incident back up, tell them I forgive them for something they did twenty plus years ago, and then … what? Drive back home? Hope that they apologize in response? Knowing these people, that ain’t happening. The BEST case scenario is them ignoring me. Worst case is they take the opportunity to mess me up even worse. 

Forgiveness is the central theme of Christianity. And we humans always try - and fail miserably - to get it right. We are slow to forgive, but slow to request forgiveness. We hold grudges, but we expect others to drop theirs. We are too proud to ask forgiveness, but we want others to scale walls to ask for our forgiveness. This is probably why we are taking so long to discuss this topic. As always, I’m still chewing on all of this. So I’ll be back next week with more incomplete thoughts.