Lent Day 17: Raymond the Fat Assassin: The Rules

I know what you’re thinking. “Holy shit! That guy just killed a dude! I thought he was the main character”  Yes, you are correct.  And I know that might cause a problem for some people.  But, I assure you he had it coming.  Hear me out…  I don’t take this job lightly.  I’ve been doing this for a long time, and I have just come to realize that there are some people who are going to slip through the cracks of the law enforcement fraternity.  I wish everyone who deserved to get locked up would get tossed in jail.  (Yes, I know that seems hypocritical.)  But that just doesn’t happen.  Police forces are too overworked.  Prisons are too overcrowded.  So some of the lesser glamour criminals and dirtbags make it off scot free.  And we can’t have that, right?

Listen, we really embrace the concept of the vigilante when it comes to comic books and movies, right?  Is it really that far-fetched that vigilantes can serve a useful purpose in real society?  I think they can, and I think they do.  So just try to think of me as a fat Batman or Punisher or something like that.  Then everyone will be all hunky dory.  Except I get paid, and I do the jobs for the money…

It isn’t working, is it?  Let me try something else…

I am not a lawless killer.  There are rules that I follow - unbreakable, serious rules.  A hitman with no code, no credo, no restraints - that is a dangerous person.  So I have a set of rules.  I don’t have them written down or anything. That seems a sure fire way to get convicted if anyone found it. Just imagine someone walking into my room and finding a book: Raymond’s Rules for Killing People.  That would not end well. But these rules are ingrained in my mind as I evaluate job offers.  I don’t take jobs that violate them.  And if I’m in the middle of a job and it appears that things are not the way they were presented, I stop what I’m doing.  Yes, in the middle of a job. I may have to wiggle rules once in a while, but I never completely ignore them.  Maybe it would help if I shared them with you.

1 Reject Domestic Dispute Jobs.  If a hitman wants to get busted, there is no easier way than to get involved in a skirmish between husband and wife. Who is right and wrong in most of those cases anyway? I don’t want to be the judge and jury on that.  Plus the cops really get involved in those cases.  And then there are  insurance policies and inheritance issues.  Best to avoid them altogether.  I have, on occasion, made an exception when the husband was a vile abusive dirtbag. #MeToo and all that. But even when it comes to that situation, I tread lightly and err on the side of minding my own business.

2 Clear Out the Riff Raff. If I was to show you a pie chart illustrating most of my jobs, the largest and juiciest wedge would have to involve getting rid of some undesirable member of a community’s underbelly: drug dealers, pimps, thieves, dishonest businessmen, crooked employees.  Most of these people are not going to be missed, and the police are not going to go overboard trying to figure out who put “second gunman from the left” in the dirt.  PLUS, chances are good they would be out of the picture at the hands of someone else soon anyway.  I am in this for the money, not some overinflated sense of self-importance.  But if I end up clearing out some monsters, even better.

3 Avoid Military Personnel, Past and Present.   This is another great way for a hitman to get caught - no, killed.  It is more like a great way to get killed.  That would be messing with current and past soldiers.  First of all, I truly respect the military and veterans.  But I am also being pragmatic.  These people killed for a living at some point, and they were trained by Uncle Sam - one of the best killing machines in human history.  Coming after them usually brings two major issues.  First, this job is something WAAAAY bigger than I want to deal with.  Second, these guys are not going to be taken down easily.  Whole lotta nope right there.  Nope nope nope

Corollary to 3: Never Whack a Cop. There isn’t a whole lot of explanation needed on this. When my job involves killing people, which is generally frowned up by most civilized societies, the dumbest thing I can do is do it around the people responsible for stopping said killings. That and I respect police officers.  I think they are doing a great job; I just want them to do that job somewhere else.  And I like to imagine my efforts are helping the police in some way.  They don’t agree, but whatever. 

4 Keep a Low Profile.  Job advancement is usually a big goal for employees.  Climb up the ladder of success!  Become known and respected!  Get a new corner office and fancy parking space!  Uh, there really isn’t a lot of job advancement in the field of assassinations.  I am perfectly content offing low-lifes and avoiding the headline grabbing jobs.  I never even consider a job that could be a national story.  Murder is still shocking enough that it will (might?) be covered on the local news or hit the front page of a newspaper, even if it is some local dope mule.  But if the target is high enough profile to justify national coverage? That is too much heat.  Remember what I said before?  No Quartz Thrasher, Mark Wahlberg type jobs.  I stick to the pimps and drug runners and let others go after the CEOs and politicians.

5 Never Act out of Revenge.  Man oh man, I love movies.  I have always been a movie buff.  Even though they always completely butcher what it looks like to be a hitman.  Anyway, Oceans Thirteen offers one of the best assessments of revenge jobs I have ever heard.  “Thisis why revenge jobs don't work. You put yourself in a position you know you should walk away from but you can't. That's how guys die or go to jail.”  Gospel truth.  I will gladly take on a client wanting revenge against someone - I mean, that is another major pie wedge of my work.  But I will never EVER act out of my own desire for revenge.  

6 Don’t Get Involved.  I’m not a detective. I’m not a superhero, antihero, or any other kind of hero. I have a particular skill set and a specific job. By the time I’m brought into a situation, it has already gone to the “worst case scenario.”  It isn’t my place to stick my fat butt into a situation and act like I have some insight that the parties involved don’t. So I don’t get involved. I am basically a weapon. Point me in the direction I need to go and let me fly. 

See?  I’m not some out of control killing machine. I’m not following the guidance of some hologram wizard or shadowy goat man, urging me on to murder for sport.  I have my faculties about me. I do this because I am really good at it, it is a thrilling job, and it needs done.  The sad reality is that there is a lot of garbage out there and someone needs to clean it up.  Think of me as a  human trash collector and disposer.  I’m performing a public service!  I don’t leave shattered families or destabilized countries in my wake.  The worst thing that happens is that some drug dealer has to take an ad out for another mid-level worker bee, or some crooked businessman has to hire another lackey.  I’m pruning the tree of humanity.  

I’m sure that you are fully convinced by now that I’m not a monster. So I’ll get back to explaining the job itself. A hitman is really just a fixer. There's a problem; he makes it go away. (We won't get into the motivations of said hitman or his psychological profile because that opens up a big can of worms.) Just think of him as a human exterminator. You get a mouse in your house. What do you do? You lay down traps and hope Mickey takes the bait. Or, to be positive, you call a professional. Termites messing up your dream home? Call Terminexecute!  None of you would have any problems dealing with pests of those sorts with extreme measures. Let's ramp it up a bit. A raccoon? Squirrels? Birds? What about when those “less hideous” animals start to infest your homestead? You still don't want them hanging around, but most people can't stomach popping a cap in Ranger Rick. So, they turn to a professional. No one cares what happens once that dude gets involved. Maybe you can imagine that Rocky the Squirrel will get sent off to a farm with lots of nuts and berries. Probably not, but out of sight, out of mind. 

I knew of one neighborhood who was being menaced by some kind of water mammal. The stupid things kept blocking off the drainage system, causing the community's lake to overflow into the back yards of homeowners. Everyone thought it was the work of beavers. “What should we do? This is causing property damage?” They looked at traps and exterminators and trappers. Then they found out it was actually a nutria. What's that? It's a giant swimming rat. Go look it up. I can wait…..  Ok. So that thing. It would swim around in the lake and eat the bottoms of the lily pads, causing a bunch of vegetation to drift down and block the drainage. “What should we do?  This is causing property damage.” They began discussing options. They were drifting into hundreds of dollars to get rid of this floating rat. One homeowner asked, “AmI missing something? How much is a box of bullets? There's gotta be someone around here who would shoot it.” The others in the meeting lost their minds.  “Noooooo! That's awful!”  So they again looked into these expensive options. A couple of weeks later, Ratso was seen dead on the road. Silently one night, a car had taken care of the problem for free.  Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. The pest was gone, no money was spent, no blood on their hands.

I'm the car in this scenario. There are times when pests invade a community. I get rid of them. Am I paid well for it? Absolutely. I do what other don't, can't, and won’t do. The pest is gone, no blood on anyone's hands. Except mine.